WINNING!: The American Revolu-Sheen

It's a battle for the ages. Each major network, with their flags and flags of logos and their camo suits strapping bombs to their chests. Middlemen who haven't already been dragged in as hostages are scrambling desperately for cover. In this ring of fire, where faces are melting and children are weeping all over their parents' bodies, we have yet to see an escape plan.

During the past few weeks, viewers from across the globe have kept their eyes keenly on shows like Good Morning America, Today, 20/20, and Piers Morgan Tonight, where Sheen has slowly created a religion of, for, and by himself, filled endlessly with a 21st-century Bible worth of prophecies. Such phrases, broadcast and repeated by each sect in dear worship of the deity, include:

• "I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. ... I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man." - (20/20)
• "My brain….fires in a way that is — I don’t know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm." - (Good Morning America)
• "I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars." - (Dateline NBC)

The saga began earlier last month, when ratings-hungry Philadelphia radio station Wired 96.5 flew a plane featuring the message, "Call us 4 yr next role," over his home.

"You guys are radicals! You hatched this brainstorm like the Vatican assassins that you are, and so figured that if we fly it over his house, he has to call us," he told the station.

Since then, Sheen's radio and television appearances have exploded into the mainstream outlets, themselves becoming tools for promotion. After weeks of insulting his bosses and embarking on worldwide rants regarding issues such as his past drug use and his current porn star menage a trois, each network and program is trying to claim authority over the other.

In the primary news media, this is nothing new. However, the ways in which the networks are turning Sheen's personal crisis into a simultaneous parade and war has led the way for corporate culture and entities to control the service medium of news.

"Major news outlets, led by ABC and NBC, have been relentless in recent days in aiding and abetting the epic meltdown of a celebrity who happens to be the biggest star on the biggest comedy hit at rival CBS." said Los Angeles Times columnist James Rainey.

In this vein, the correspondents have become the soldiers, each fighting on their own fields and bombing the airwaves with their own interpretations of the world's most famous new psalms. Instead of searching for clues and investigating the heart of this personal psychological meltdown, each bit of news (if one can even call it news) is being dropped and smothered onto the public. As it slowly becomes a novelty act and a corporate war, the people of this information generation have nowhere safe to turn.

It's almost enough to get up off of your living room couch, grab your knapsack, and move to Mars.